Nopesport

Yet another carnage-filled weekend had in Edinburgh at the weekend, but this time with special guests from around the country. The day started in glorious motivational style with King’s Buildings opening up specially for the Rugby World Cup Final, and after a slight detour round most of Edinburgh following directions from Jane’s house mate, everyone was assembled for England’s triumphant, albeit non-too-convincing win over the Aussies. A brief wait was had ‘til the decision about whether you were man enough to run the race or not was to be made, during which time Rocky was flabbergasted to find the 24-hour micro-lab closed – looks like he’d be failing to submit another project on time. Anyway, the race…a rather nice course, involving one long up-hill, followed by one long down-hill. It was a nice relief to discover hardly any mud on the course, so times should be quicker than the previous year. Loads of o’ers had made the transition from pansying around forests in pyjamas to pansying around hills in skimpy shorts (or lycra cut-offs in Rocky’s case – note: THESE ARE NOT FASHIONABLE (however, they may improve your performance) ) – the Edinburgh crew consisted of Rocky, Steve F, Marky Bitch, Ross, Lard, Kitch, Godders, special British guests included myself, Hannah W,and the special international guest was Niall.
The women set off first, and by the top of the hill, the leading 2 runners – one of which was Hannah - were well clear of the field. With 100m to go, she was about 10 metres behind, and despite a superb sprint for the line, she found that the officials had put the finish just a little bit too close, and ended up 1 second behind what ended up being a new course record.
In the men’s race, a much larger field than previous years did not prevent Braids virgin Rocky from a flying performance. Helped by strategically placed EUOC marshals/banter providers/DJ’s around the course, he finished in an extremely impressive 3rd place, just 15 secs behind Claire Ward’s brother-in-law Rich Ward who won, and Murray also went round 30 seconds quicker than JD’s performance last year! Cheers to the EUOC guys for their encouragement round the race - next year you might even be kind enough to supply refreshments as well (Ed – u know u wanted to give fluids to half the girls running ;) ) Results-wise, Haries and Leeds were joint, but Edinburgh’s 4th runner was (1 place) higher so won, although it remains a wonder as to why Brooner, whilst processing the results, didn’t notice that Feltbower hadn’t entered under EUH&H, so they should have won by miles! A mention must be made of the foolhardy Manchester runner who, having already had numerous amounts of drinks during the rugby (it was rumoured to be about 12 before the race) continued to drink round the course – the aftermath of which can soon be revealed by Samsonite (pic to be provided soon) – and finished in a staggering 68mins (Wardy finished in 31 1/2mins).
After a quick change, off to the fabulous buffet Chinese, where despite the extortionate drink prices – 50p for water (apparently it had been filtered, that’s where the extra cost came from – though we’ve seen a few months ago that Edinburgh water can lead to abnormal extra-arm growth, so we let that one go) – it was a damn fine, well-priced meal, especially if you got the gorgeous jelly and ice cream pudding.
It was then onto the real carnage – the Ceilidh, held at Teviot Row. A good attendance meant that the smaller room which had been booked for the evening turned Ceilidhing into a full on head-butting, arse-colliding experience, where the challenge was not who looked the least foolish trying to work out what the heck you were supposed to be doing, but more how to get through the dance without getting injured by your fellow incompetent revellers. Even so, good fun was had by all, the drinks were flowing, and no carnage as yet – then, the beer racing started! Despite the efforts of Leeds’ complete (nope) of an ex-captain, Haries captain Bilson, managed to control things, (well, almost, he couldn’t quite resist the request from some Harie girls that the race be contested topless – maybe he was hoping this would apply to the one girl in Swansea’s team?) and after a close run thing, it was Edinburgh, Manchester and Leeds through to the men’s final. In the women’s race, only 3 teams contested (was this due to the request by Leeds’ runners to compete with full pints, not halves?), and despite the best encouragement for the home team, Leeds girls ran away with 1st place, and in a close run battle, 2nd place as well! In the men’s final, a new routine was had (except, for the topless rule again, they obviously loved our bodies so much ;) ) whereby u actually had to run to get your drink, down it, and then run back to your team a la primary school relays. Even so, Manchester still ran away with it, Leeds 2nd, Edinburgh 3rd (not last – that would have been the Welsh who didn’t get to the final). After this, Wardy and partner managed to completely fill the drinking fountain with vomit – twice!!! Even so, the party got under way, with Chepls, Lobban, Dikalot, Marky Bitch, Pyrat, Jane, Brooner, Ste Shaw and myself having a damn good boogy. Then the bouncer started to get arsey. First, I was asked to remove my football shirt – apparently no football shirts allowed in the union, despite having been let in wearing it, been served numerous drinks wearing it, and partying for a good few hours wearing it. Now I wouldn’t have objected quite so much if it had been a Rangers or Celtic shirt, maybe even an England shirt I’d have obliged, but a Sweden shirt!?@$”&^%^ What the (nope) is that all about, how could it possibly be offending anyone? Anyway, after the third time of asking and being threatened that I’d be thrown out, I finally changed tops (like the scouts say, Be Prepared). It then turns out that the bouncer had a perfectly good reason for his request – answer: He was an absolute (nope)ing (nope)! Getting down to some hardcore freestylin’ dancing, Brooner was removed from the premises – and all because he jumped too high! No joke, the reason the bouncer gave went something like “Enough of your cheek, your feet went higher than 6 inches from the floor, and I’m going to have to remove you from the building”. However, despite the (nope) of a bouncer, Pyrat still managed to scale the balcony from the floor below, much to the shock/amazement of some surrounding girls (like a true Scot, nothing is worn underneath the kilt), Samsonite and Dikalot still managed to almost knock some girl out with some curious dance moves, and everyone managed drink plenty of alcohol. After the party finished, back to Samsonite’s mate’s house party – well, for Marky Bitch, Pyrat, Ste, Samsonite and myself anyway – via off-licence for Lobban to pick up his free Dr. Pepper (?) A promise of free-alcohol was guaranteed, however, all that was left was a bottle of wine. Having emptied that, Pyrat was livid to discover no more free-alchohol, and in a fit of rage he attacked the helpless Sainsbury’s box at his feet, which couldn’t stand the weight, and consequently, the entire crew was ejected from the party. But not to fear, Supersaint gets a call from the Leeds HQ – free food and alcohol back at Cameron Toll scout hut. No hanging around, we jump in a taxi and head straight there. We entered the hallway, and just as we’re about to go into the main hall, we’re called back – shit, busted already! But no, all the lady wanted to say was “guys, if you go into that wee room over there, there’s plenty of free food, help yourself!” So we did, and after plenty of pizza, crisps and sausage rolls, the rest of the crew were instructed by the (nope)er from Leeds that they weren’t wanted anymore, so, as the KLF once said “Ladies and gentleman, the (nope) crew, have now left the bullding”


Full results are available here